My skin is so pasty white that I’m the only person I know who has to put on sunblock when he goes outside after dark on a summer night.
So you might say the sun and I are not on the best of terms. I try to avoid the sun as much as possible with the same dedication that my Uncle Vladimir tries to avoid bill collectors. Like Uncle Vladimir’s creditors, I still get burned.
Even when I manage to stay out of direct sunlight, the big yellow bully still manages to cause problems for me. If I have to walk on a bright, sunny day, I try to squint as much as possible and close my eyes altogether for a few seconds at a time.
This means that I bump into poles, trees or even slow-moving, squinting birds on a regular basis. One time, I even bumped into a couple of bird-watching Poles looking at a tree to spot sun-shy sparrows.
If I make it to my car on a really bright day and I have to drive more than a few miles, I will put on a pair of prescription sunglasses. These work reasonably well, but the sun still gets the last laugh.
Inevitably, I get out of the car and walk across a large parking lot and up a few flights of steps only to realize that I have forgotten to switch from my sunglasses back to my regular glasses.
This means that I must walk back down the stairs and re-cross the parking lot to my car to switch to my regular glasses. Then I have to squint my way back in the blinding sunlight, bumping into cars, shopping carts and irate shoppers on the way.
I suppose I could just wear the sunglasses indoors, but I just cannot do that. Whenever I see a guy wearing sunglasses indoors, I think he thinks he’s so important he doesn’t want be recognized.
It would be ridiculous for me to look as if I don’t want to be recognized when nobody would know who the heck I was anyway. I even have to wear a name tag at family dinners.
I should have known better than to wear sunglasses in the first place, since I have never had much success with either the sun or sunglasses.
The first pair I ever wore was a stylish orange-tinted pair that bulged out like the eyes of a frog that had drunk too much powdered Original Orange-flavored Tang.
After being politely asked by park security not to wear those sunglasses again because they were scaring small children, I did not try to wear another pair for quite a few years.
When I did, I tried those clip-on jobs to wear on my regular prescription glasses. However, I could never find a pair that would match up with my regular glasses.
Either they were too big and I would look like I was recovering from eye surgery or they only covered part of the regular lenses and I had to squint because most of my eyes were still exposed to the direct sun.
When I got contact lenses, I thought my prospects with sunglasses were brighter. However, both my prospects and sunglasses were just as dark as ever.
Without having to worry about clip-on or flip-up shades, I figured I could wear just about any sunglasses I wanted to — as long as I could find them in a dollar store.
There are handsome guys who can wear any Barney the Dinosaur sunglasses and still look cool. However, the only sunglasses that would have improved my appearance would have been ones that left my eyes exposed and covered the rest of my face.
So, unless I’m wearing my prescription sunglasses in a car, those bird-watching Poles are likely to spot me in the dark shade of a tree with those sun-shy sparrows.